I'm Gatsby.

Upon reading The Great Gatsby for the tenth time and watching the film for the second time, I came to a conclusion (and it's not that I am not one of the only honest people I know): I'm Gatsby.

When I was a junior in high school, we read The Great Gatsby and everyone had to make a poster comparing him/herself to one of the characters. Being 16/17 years old, we didn't realize that we could choose a character of the opposite gender, so all the girls but one chose Jordan Baker and most of the guys chose Nick. Memorably, Trevor chose Tom and put a picture of himself with two waitresses at Hooter's on his posterboard and said "Tom had his ladies and I've got my Hooter's girls" during his in-class presentation. I, like most of the girls, chose Jordan Baker because I, like most people, didn't realize how shallow and, frankly, annoying Jordan was upon the first reading. (Fitzgerald is a genius. People like Jordan generally come off as interesting and you just get sick of them over time.)

While reading the book most recently, however, I realized that Gatsby had it right. I'm not into illegal trade, but I do try to give off the aura of being less small-town than I am and believe I'm destined for greatness. Unlike Gatsby, I'm not going to get stuck with some long-lost love. I'm not going to be derailed. This all sounds very stuck-up, but I'm watching all my friends graduate and settle and I don't want to do that. I'm terrified of that, and I always have been.

It's difficult for people to fall neatly into fictional characters, and Gatsby is by no means a perfect fit. (Although I've known a Daisy or two in my time.) All I know is that I'm not going to give up and move home at the end of a long summer. (Figuratively. Literally I'm going to do just that, but I'm moving to Germany afterwards.)

I'm going to hope. I'm not going to smash up people and things and lives. I'm not going to lie and be careless. I'm going to hope.

A simplicity of heart that was its own ticket of admission

I have lots of weird band kid problems, like random calluses on my hands and the inability to walk out of step with the person next to me. But the one I had tonight was not my fault...it was the lack of a trumpet player so we didn't get to do a drive-by pep rally for the kids who are camping out tonight for tomorrow's six o'clock game.

So now I'm watching the end of Pride and Prejudice to make up for this disappointment. I rather hope "we all know him to be a proud, unpleasant sort of man" is not the reaction my friends and family have if/when I get engaged. It's one of those things that's funny in a novel but would most definitely not be in real life. Watching this movie also makes me miss playing the piano so much...I can play some of this music myself and reading Austen is what inspired me to make an effort at piano there for a while in high school. (The only song I can play by memory still is a product of that period.)

Also, yesterday I saw that something was being set up outside the art building (there's a nice courtyard there). Today I realized it looked like one of Gatsby's parties on a small scale...white tablecloths and pretty colored lanterns in the trees. Unlike Gatsby's parties, however, it was only for rich donor people. I realize that Gatsby's parties were for similarly rich people who liked to show off their wealth in different ways, but I'm still disappointed that it was impossible for anyone with a dress and a dream to show up for the endless romanticism.

Now I'm going to watch Elizabeth and Darcy dance a few more times...